A lot of people believe self-criticism is what keeps them moving forward. They assume that if they’re tough enough on themselves, push harder or never allow themselves any grace, they’ll eventually become the person they want to be.
In the short term, that approach can seem effective. It may even produce results for a while.
But it often comes with a price.
One thing I see regularly in mental health treatment is the striking difference between how people treat themselves and how they treat the people they care about. Someone can be patient, compassionate and encouraging with a struggling friend, yet turn relentlessly critical when dealing with their own disappointments.
A mistake becomes evidence of failure.
A bad day becomes proof they aren’t working hard enough.
A setback becomes another reason to question their value as a person.
Many people believe that harsh inner voice is helping them improve. More often, it’s doing the opposite.
Constant self-criticism tends to leave people discouraged, anxious and drained. Instead of focusing on growth and learning, they become preoccupied with avoiding mistakes and trying not to fail.
What often gets misunderstood is that self-compassion isn’t the same thing as letting yourself off the hook.
Recognizing that you’re struggling doesn’t mean giving up.
Treating yourself with understanding doesn’t mean lowering your expectations.
It simply means acknowledging a reality that experience repeatedly shows to be true: people are more likely to grow when they’re supported than when they’re constantly torn down.
Most of us would never speak to someone we love the way we speak to ourselves. Yet many people spend years listening to an inner voice that is far harsher than anything they would accept from another person.
Real change often begins when that voice is questioned.
The goal was never perfection.
The goal is progress.
And progress tends to come more easily when we stop treating ourselves like an enemy and start treating ourselves like someone worth helping.
Peter Zafirides, MD
Central Ohio Behavioral Medicine, Inc.
